In my department, there are several groups… development, hardware, network… those are the ones that matter in this story. We have a network with about 2000+ machines in it. Our network team is adequately staffed, and they do a fine job. The hardware team (my team, that I supervise without officially being the supervisor) has three people in it. Three. Of the three, I’m the only one who works on PCs. The other two work on other equipment. The development team… has more people than the rest of the department combined, and a lighter workload than any of us. I continue to beg for staff and get denied, but the development team adds one or two new full-timers every month. And the network team is getting a ridiculously high-paying position that they don’t even want.

So.

My team is tasked in performing miracles, and sometimes it’s fucking impossible. Other times, like today, are especially frustrating. The   head of our development team promised a batch of netbooks to another department on campus… didn’t tell me there was a deadline, just handed me them a few weeks ago and said she needed them for another department. Fine. But I’ve got other shit to do. I have an entire division of campus to keep running with only three full-timers to do it with. She bothers me daily for updates on these fucking EeePC’s. Today, she complains that it’s been too long… I explain, again, our staffing situation… what does she do? She goes to the boss, complains (or sucks him off, as is the popular theory in this place about her), he orders me to have it all done today. Today, where I’m already working on a priority call for our HR director, and where I’m supervising/taking part in a deployment for the entirety of my afternoon.

And none of that even fucking matters.

What matters is this woman making promises about other people’s staff, and not even having the courtesy to tell the people involved. What matters is the brass balls on this woman to complain to management about my job performance, when it’s common knowledge that this place would be utterly FUCKED without me. What matters is that the supervisor she complained to immediately bent to her will, as do all of our supervisors with her, and changed my schedule. My schedule which, by the way, isn’t just mine. I’ve made appointments with people. I have scheduled downtime for the department I’m deploying to. I don’t even have time to prep the deployment and hand it off to someone else now. At this point, it just can’t happen.

And this kind of shit happens to me weekly. This is not normal, not even in IT.

I have an offer from another company… they have a user base of about 350 people, and want to pay me more than this place does. I plan to take it, and I plan to enjoy the day where I hand in my two-weeks here. I don’t think there’s anything they could do to keep me at this point.

Because…

… at this point…

… I’d take a pay cut to leave.

I would do anything to not feel this way, every day of my life. I’m going to die early, and if it keeps up like this, it’s gonna be by my hand. People were not designed to work this way. I found police work less stressful than this. I found retail work less stressful than this. I found my divorce to be less stressful than this. This job that I have… is literally the only thing to ever make me feel this way so regularly.

I have one thing that makes it any better.

When I go home from work, she’s there. I see her smile, I feel her embrace… everything changes. She puts me back in my place, you might say. Puts things into perspective, just by being there, just by loving me. I am infinitely appreciative and thankful for her. I always will be. Even thinking about her, now… it calms this storm enough for me think a little more clearly.

Love is strangely powerful, I think. It is, by very definition, irrational. As rational and logical a person as I might try to be, I find that this completely illogical and irrational thing brings be the most joy. As tough as it is to let go of rationality for that, I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that that’s what it takes. I think I’m fine with that, now.

I love her infinitely… and she has had a greater impact on my life, I think, than either of us could have ever anticipated.

I want to go home.

I guess the worst part is how it came out… I’m still kind of reeling from that. I don’t really want to go into any detail, it just hurt. It hurt because of who it came from, it hurt because of how it was said. It probably hurt the worst, though, because I know it to be true. I’ve always been bad at making decisions. When I worked law enforcement, that changed. It changed a lot. It changed me into someone who couldn’t turn off a black and white world. It doesn’t do that to everyone, probably, but I wasn’t strong enough to withstand it. I have tried, since stepping down at the police department, to stray from that kind of thinking and it’s kind of spun me into a 180. It’s like I’m overcompensating. I have put myself in the habit of not making decisions or plans, and it has withdawn me from my current relationship in a way I never anticipated. I’m deeply sorry that I am how I am. Not sorry for myself, mind you… just accepting some brutally honest facts.

And so, I need to make some definite changes. I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I’m not feeling sorry for myself… just recognizing who and what I am, I guess. I feel weirdly alone. Not like, “Oh, I’m so depressed and lonely” alone… just that I don’t think anyone understands me, as emo as that sounds. I’m fucked up, and it’s kind of my own fault for making up excuses for it. The bottom line is that I’m weak and I need to man the fuck up. And man up I will. I’ll do it because I need to reclaim who I am.

And yes, I realize just how dramatic all this sounds. Deal with it.

In other news, there is a leak in my basement. And I found a dead squirrel in my back yard, which I think my dog has been chewing on… thankfully, he has very few teeth and didn’t make much progress (see: none).

Meh… I’m gonna watch TV or something.

Laters.

I think I need to sleep. It’s like I always say, or she always says… honestly, I don’t know who said it first… each hour brings us closer when we’re apart.

Nighters…

Other than that… I am still alive, and my special lady-friend has been snowed in and can’t go back to her apartment until next week… oh damn…

Ok, well, I’m busy anyway.

So, I’m still working at my boring-ass university job. I’m still not ever going to get promoted, but at the very least I’m going to collect some good certifications pretty soon… so, there’s that. I’m not a police officer anymore, which kinda sucks… I enjoyed that work, but legitimately don’t have time for that kind of thing anymore.

I got rid of my Police Interceptor. I absolutely loved that car, but I was getting like 12MPG with it… not cool. I am now the proud owner of a 2007 G6. Fast little bugger, it is… plus it’s got a remote start, something I’ve been willing to sacrifice my left nut for all winter.

The house is really coming together nicely… the girlfriend will be moving in within the next several months… less than four months, now. At that point, I feel that this will truly be home for both of us. I’m really looking forward to it. Hopefully, once she’s up here we can find her a decent job. I’m going to feel like an asshole if she ends up working at McDonald’s or something. The fact that she’ll have a Bachelor’s, I hope, will eliminate things like that from the running… but, you never know. I just want her to be happy, and the very last thing I want is for her to regret moving up here. I will do everything I can to ensure we live happily

In other, less personal news, I’ve decided that I hate the iPad. I hate it more than I hate most things. You see, I already have an iPhone. The iPad is like taking that… making it bigger… and taking away its ability to make phone calls. So, less portable and less useful. Oh, and a couple hundred dollars more expensive. Fuck you, Apple. I’ll be picking up the HP Slate when it comes out, thank you very much.

The dishwasher is going, and it’s broken. Instead of drying/shutting off, it just stays in rinse mode until I turn it. But, it’s all the way in the kitchen, and I’m in bed. I want nothing to do with prying myself away from the warmth of my bed (reduced though that warmth may be…). Blah. Guess I better, lest I waste a bunch of water or something.

Also, I really want to watch a bunch of Star Trek: TNG right now. Is that wrong?

Nighters!

I often regret my past. I regret the number of women I’ve been with, I regret the actions I took with them… I regret that I wasn’t strong enough to wait until I found the right person. But… it’s valuable, having a past like mine. I know now what’s out there. I know what kind of person I don’t want to spend my life with. I know several archetypes of women I don’t want to be with… and I think I’ve found the one who I’m really compatible with, really supposed to be with.

In short… my past ensures that I’m not left wondering. I don’t need to wonder, because I know. Wondering is what destroyed my marriage. She wondered, and exlpored… they call what she did cheating. I’m over it now, have been for months… and I’m glad it happened, because she wasn’t right for me. The person who I truly consider the love of my life has a past, too. It’s not as extensive as mine, not by a long shot… but it’s enough so that she’s not left wondering, either. It’s comforting knowing that we’re both just happy with each other… and that’s all.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I think I could give anything to maintain that. I truly love this woman, and I don’t have to wonder if she feels the same.

Nighters

That’s all

Also, huzzah for fast Internet!

AT&T, on the other hand, can blow me. Even their cell service. I have to make all of my calls twice because of the high drop-rate on them… it’s like my reception just disappears for like five seconds and comes back. UVerse can also blow me, since I can’t sit through an entire VOD movie without the sound cutting out any time the screen goes dark. Oh, and the forced usage of that awful 2Wire router can suck a dick, too.

All this having been said… I think I’m ready to give Verizon another try. It’s been many years (10, I think) since I’ve had their cell service, and now I just want something that works. I will miss my iPhone 3GS terribly… but the Droid and the NexusOne look fucking rock-solid.

Blah. Needed to rant/vent. Venting complete.