This changes everything for me.

I will be leaving my job at the university in the middle of August or so… to give me some time to spend with my girlfriend, and to really focus and physically prepare for boot. After boot… I’m thinking mid-November… I have to go through Apprentice Technical Training for six weeks. Then, it’s off to San Diego. That’s where my “A” School is. I’ll be there for at least the next year. I will finally finish with schooling and go active around February/March 2012.

Anyway, just a brief update. I’m actually going to try to keep this updated as much as possible while I’m going through everything. I figure it’d be a good thing to be able to look back on some day, and a decent way to keep my friends informed of my progress and life happenings.

Laters!

First, regarding the Navy… I’m all sworn in! They have me doing SONAR for a couple of years… after that, I’m going to cross-rate into Intelligence. Sadly, I can’t qualify for Intel right off the bat (or anything requiring Top Secret Clearance, for that matter) because of what my ex-wife did to my credit. It’s important to find the silver lining, though. Being in the SONAR Group, I get to go to C-School out in San Diego for about a year, and I’ll get to have the girlfriend with me then. It all seems like it’s a long way from now, but it really isn’t… as of now, they’re telling me that my ship-date is 2010.09.01. We’re trying to push that up, though. I’m not ready. Not yet. I have entirely too much to do before I leave, consisting of but not limited to:
-Save up around $5000 to cover rent and moving expenses while I’m gone.
-Get in shape to the point where I’m not going to wash out of boot.
-Plan out the logistics for getting the girlfriend moved while I’m gone.
-Did I mention getting in shape? That’s kinda important.
-Sell anything we’re not taking with us (like my motorcycle).

And that’s just stuff directly involved with/tied to the Navy. There’s also:
-Figuring out how to justify and pay for $1300+ for some surgeries for my dog. Who is ten.
-Balancing life as it now exists, with my girlfriend now living with me.
-Curb the growing apathy for my current job… so, start showing up on time/taking it seriously.
-Reduce the amount of distractions I have… seriously, I have an Xbox 360, a Wii, a gaming PC, all with tons of games… I’ve got a ton of books I want to read, I’m starting to play Magic: The Gathering, my friends are trying to get me into disc golf… there are so many hours in the fucking day!
-Stop eating like an asshole.
-Stop drinking like an asshole.
-Stop smoking like an asshole.
-Stop being an asshole… like an asshole.

And that’s not even everything. And what sucks about it is that it’s like I’m constantly thinking about these things, all the fucking time. My mind won’t shut up about it. As a result, I barely sleep because I’m constantly either doing stuff or thinking about doing stuff. My mind is always racing, and I’m always second-guessing myself and making things worse off than they should be. The most important thing I need to do isn’t even on the list: slow the fuck down and appreciate the awesome things I DO have in life. If I don’t now, I sure as shit will when I’m not around it anymore.

I still feel guilty about joining the Navy. There’s a lot of pressure with guilt, too. Pressure to either back out, or to hammer home whatever justification I might have for doing it… but I know I have to do this. And I know that if I don’t do it, I’m going to be sick about that decision. There will be times when I will blame people whose fault it isn’t for my decisions… and I just don’t want to be that person. I want, I need to pursue this. I’m with a girl who I want to believe can handle what’s to come. If anybody can, I think it’s her. I think she’s stronger than she gives herself credit for. Besides… there’s plenty to do in San Diego, right? Me being in the Navy doesn’t have to mean her giving up anything, except for (occasionally) me. Who knows, though… maybe those breaks will serve to make us stronger. That’s a pretty lofty expectation, but I have to look at it in as positive a light as a can. It’s one of those, “I have to laugh or else I’ll cry” kind of situations.

I was talking to my best friend about this today… how we’re in similar spots in life. I was listening to blink182′s “What’s My Age Again?”, and the line came up that says “… nobody likes you when you’re 23…”. And I said to him, “Holy shit! We’re 23, now. Where nobody likes you!”. It’s only important because we were kids when this song came out. 23 seemed impossible at that point, but now here we are. And it feels like we’re standing on a fucking high-dive that we’ve climbed steadily for the last 23 years, unable to see what we were REALLY going to dive into until just now. Just when we get to the ledge of the platform. And there’s no going back… like there’s a line of people impatiently waiting behind you, waiting for THEIR turn to find out what they’re getting themselves into. You can never climb down… all that’s left to do is dive in, and I feel like I’m tip-toeing toward the ledge because I can’t decide how I wanna go down. I can’t stand this indecision. Feels like a cannonball, today.

Ugh… at this point, this all probably sounds like rambling, and that’s mostly because it probably is. This is me expelling my thoughts unceremoniously onto paper, and making no attempt to clean it up. I don’t have to… they’re mine.

And here’s the biggest difference: in the past, this always helped. I find, though, that right now there’s simply too much happening. My mind is still fucked, and my body is still trying to catch up. Guess that means it’s time to go back to work.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I would do anything, anything in the world, for her smile. Even if that means going away… If that’s what it would take to make her happy, and give her a life she actually wants and deserves, I’d do it. Times like this, I feel like that’s exactly what I should do. Hers isn’t the only life that would benefit from my absense. It would teach me not to be needy, not to be controlling… It would be a constant, painful reminder of what those kinds of antics can cost me. I don’t want to be without her, but I want more for her to be happy. It’s hard to look at the situation this way, but it’s about as calmly and rationally as I can do it. I need her to be happy… And I will do whatever I can to bring that about. That’s a promise.

I just wanna pull a Dr Manhattan right now… Go to Mars and just hang out there with my thoughts, and my little blue penis. Maybe one day I’ll learn.

I’ve finally decided to do something I’m been talking about and pussy-footing around for at least three years… though I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it on here… I’m enlisting in the US Navy. I suppose this is as good a venue as any to explain myself, although honestly I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anybody except… well, myself. That’s one thing I love about my girlfriend… I don’t have to explain myself to her. She supports that I need and deserve my chance to do with my life what I please. But, I digress…

I’ve been enthralled with the Navy since I was little, but I never seriously considered it until a few years ago. I was brought up to believe that the military is an option for the dregs of our society… for people with no other options, who were going nowhere in life. This isn’t my parents’ fault, mind you, they never said anything like that to me. Realistically, though, it’s the same as the cop thing. “You could do so much better than that” is the general attitude I get from people, and I think that’s simply not true. I think most negative feelings towards the military come from a few very common misconceptions. The first is that all branches of the military are the Marines… That they will tear you down until you are an empty shell, fill you with propaganda and murderous rage, and unleash you on an enemy; You are a tool for destruction, and your life = The Corps. I can’t stress enough that it just isn’t the case. At Basic, yes, there will be a bit of that. It’s not the same as Marine Recruit Training, though. Most of Navy boot is classroom, and it’s all mostly designed for familiarization with a military lifestyle. You do not have to eat, breathe, and sleep the USN to be successful. 

Another misconception is that I’m going to be ”sent” to Iraq, or that I’m going to be “sent” to Afghanistan. I don’t know how to break this to you gently, so I guess I’ll just come right out and say it: NEITHER OF THESE COUNTRIES HAS A NAVY. Now… that having been said, the Navy does head out to the Gulf regularly. They fly air missions over Afghanistan, and you can volunteer for ground duty in Iraq… this is not mandatory, it is a volunteer-only thing.

So, to sum up so far: I’m not going to be fighting insurgents in Iraq, and I’m not going to come back from Basic as a totally different person.

The biggest misconception, or at least the one that bothers me the most, is the one that states a person cannot have a life and be in the military at the same time. In three years, I’m looking at one, maybe two six-month deployments. After that, I’m looking at another three years with zero deployments. When I’m not deployed, it’s like any other job… regular work schedule and all that, but I go to a ship instead of an office. That’s not to say I can’t deploy, if I want to. I can volunteer for that if I so choose.

Now, the “why”. I’m doing this for what I consider to be a very simple reason: I do not belong in a cubicle-farm. I simply don’t. Every day I come to this job, I feel like I’m meant for something better. Meant for something bigger than myself, something that has some effect, no matter how miniscule, on the world in which I live. I would rather be involved in intelligence, or working on ship-wide communication or weapons systems, or working computer warfare, than toiling away in a cubicle in a tiny, under-appreciated IT department which will probably get swallowed up soon, anyway.

This is the part where you tell me that I probably won’t get to do anything cool like that… it’s also the part where I tell you how wrong you are.

I’ve already done my testing for job selection… and I scored well beyond what is necessary for whatever I want to do. At this time, I’m being actively pushed towards Nuclear Technician… but, I don’t want to do that. So I won’t. Despite the giant bonus I’ve been offered for it. If my ASVAB score was shitty, I just wouldn’t enlist. Simple. A low score guarantees I’m not going to be doing what I want to do. A 97, though, guarantees the exact opposite. My chosen field: Intel.

I’ve got to go through MEPS on Friday to handle my physical and all that… if all goes well, I swear in at the end of the day. It’s important to note, by the way, that I won’t be going anywhere soon. So long as my luck holds out through Friday, I won’t ship to Basic for over a year from now. Gives me time with my special lady-friend… ok, my very special lady-friend… before this all gets underway. We both know that it’s gonna be hard in the beginning. The rewards are great, though, and I’m not just talking monetary… although, after about two years, I’ll be making more than I do now. I get three times more time off than I do now, I get better benefits all the way around… I get to live places I could never afford as a civilian. How else is it possible that we could ever live in Hawaii? Even if it’s only for a few years, I look forward to it. I look forward to this whole adventure, and sharing it with her. I have believed since the beginning, and continue to believe, that if anybody can withstand the trial we’re to endure, it’s us.

Phew. Glad the explanation part is over… now I can get back to just being happy about it.

So, yeah. Enlistment. It’s happening. I’m stoked for the process to be over so I can quit worrying about things. Also, I get to spend a week with  the VSLF starting on Friday after MEPS. That’s gonna be a blast, even though I have to wake up early five days out of it for some training I’m doing. I’m genuinely looking forward to the time, though… it will feel vaguely vacation-like for me, not having to drive into an office every day.

I switched to T-Mobile for a new phone that I wanted, the HTC HD2. I love the device… I hate my service. It doesn’t penetrate buildings very well at all, so the second I step into my shop I just lose service completely. Gay as AIDS, I know, but it’s what I’m stuck with for the time being. I don’t have a contract with them, but there’s nothing else I want now. I’m protesting Apple (that’s a rant for another day… or maybe just for later in this post), AT&T doesn’t have any decent phones except the iPhone 3GS, Verizon has nothing but the Droid (I’m also protesting Google… again, another rant), Sprint has garbage for phones… so, I went with T-Mobile expecting similar service to AT&T. That was stupid on my part… they use a different spectrum for their network, a spectrum with AWFUL building-penetration. But, the HD2 is pretty sweet. So, there’s that. A great phone on a shitty network. I am holding out for AT&T to get a Windows Phone 7 phone that I really want, this coming holiday season. I’m going back to AT&T because it works on the rest of planet, something that cannot be said for Verizon/Sprint/any CDMA network. Although, T-Mobile is apparently huge in the rest of the world. So, we’ll see.

I’m getting a ton of shit done at work this week. I’ve finished three images already, and it’s only half-way through Tuesday. Something about not being bothered by whatever trivialities my supervisor (gone this week) normally brings up to me… ah, well. Lunch being over, I guess I should get back to work.

Coming up next: why I hate Apple, Google, RIM, and your face.

I got turned down for a job today because I wanted “too much”. “Other candidates” (read: unemployed assholes) were willing to work there for far cheaper. I realize that I should probably not care too much, be happy for the person who can now pay their rent, or feed their family, or whateverthefuck the case may be. But I’m not. Fuck that person. I’ve got bills to pay, too, and I can almost guarantee that I know more than them, and am a harder/better worker than them. So fuck you, jobless cunt, for undercutting me in an already competitive industry. It’s people like you who won’t stand up for yourselves to get paid what you’re worth, that lower the median wages for the rest of us. Grow a backbone/some fucking balls.

In unrelated news, one of my best friends who lives in Vegas just called me to wish me a happy St. Patty’s day. I thought you should know.

I am burned-out as hell. I’m studying for certification exams, working 40+ hours a week, always (happily) busy on the weekends… it’s weird, but I feel like I really don’t have time for myself anymore. I attribute this to getting older, and I recognize that it just happens… nobody ever said I had to like it, though. I find that I don’t get the same enjoyment out of things that I used to. Even PC games. I built a top-of-the-line rig less than a year ago, and I barely use it. In fact, its primary function is to stream media to my TV through my Xbox. And to download said media. When a new game comes out, I get it. I play it for an hour or two, get bored, forget I have it. I think it’s because everything is becoming so multiplayer-centric, and I just don’t care about online play like I used to. I want to get into Star Trek Online, but I’ve got zero time for it. All of my friends here, locally, play World of Warcraft and want me to play, but it’s the same story.

I think I found something I really love, though… I love technology, and I love writing, and I love having an audience… so, what I’m saying is that I’d really like to get into tech-related journalism. Immediately, I can think of several problems with this. First, it doesn’t pay worth a shit. Second, it’s highly competitive. Third, I have no formal journalism training whatever. Fourth, I haven’t the slightest clue where to begin with it. I exchanged emails with Brian Lam from Gizmodo earlier today… he told me to go for internships, and that Gizmodo might be posting some openings soon. I think those are largely unpaid, though, and the ones I’ve seen them post have been in SF/NYC… places I don’t live. But, places I would probably have to live to have any kind of IT-journalistic career. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind living in either of those places, it just costs money. So, there’s that.

I think my dog is getting sick. He’s not eating, he sneezes/coughs constantly, and he’s generally mopey. I need to take him into the vet, soon. He’s old, which is pretty much what they told me last time I brought him in… “Well, he’s old, this stuff just kinda happens”. Thanks, Doc. Very reassuring.

I’m tired now, and my girlfriend told me  some time ago that I should be sleeping… she was right.

Nighters.

In my department, there are several groups… development, hardware, network… those are the ones that matter in this story. We have a network with about 2000+ machines in it. Our network team is adequately staffed, and they do a fine job. The hardware team (my team, that I supervise without officially being the supervisor) has three people in it. Three. Of the three, I’m the only one who works on PCs. The other two work on other equipment. The development team… has more people than the rest of the department combined, and a lighter workload than any of us. I continue to beg for staff and get denied, but the development team adds one or two new full-timers every month. And the network team is getting a ridiculously high-paying position that they don’t even want.

So.

My team is tasked in performing miracles, and sometimes it’s fucking impossible. Other times, like today, are especially frustrating. The   head of our development team promised a batch of netbooks to another department on campus… didn’t tell me there was a deadline, just handed me them a few weeks ago and said she needed them for another department. Fine. But I’ve got other shit to do. I have an entire division of campus to keep running with only three full-timers to do it with. She bothers me daily for updates on these fucking EeePC’s. Today, she complains that it’s been too long… I explain, again, our staffing situation… what does she do? She goes to the boss, complains (or sucks him off, as is the popular theory in this place about her), he orders me to have it all done today. Today, where I’m already working on a priority call for our HR director, and where I’m supervising/taking part in a deployment for the entirety of my afternoon.

And none of that even fucking matters.

What matters is this woman making promises about other people’s staff, and not even having the courtesy to tell the people involved. What matters is the brass balls on this woman to complain to management about my job performance, when it’s common knowledge that this place would be utterly FUCKED without me. What matters is that the supervisor she complained to immediately bent to her will, as do all of our supervisors with her, and changed my schedule. My schedule which, by the way, isn’t just mine. I’ve made appointments with people. I have scheduled downtime for the department I’m deploying to. I don’t even have time to prep the deployment and hand it off to someone else now. At this point, it just can’t happen.

And this kind of shit happens to me weekly. This is not normal, not even in IT.

I have an offer from another company… they have a user base of about 350 people, and want to pay me more than this place does. I plan to take it, and I plan to enjoy the day where I hand in my two-weeks here. I don’t think there’s anything they could do to keep me at this point.

Because…

… at this point…

… I’d take a pay cut to leave.

I would do anything to not feel this way, every day of my life. I’m going to die early, and if it keeps up like this, it’s gonna be by my hand. People were not designed to work this way. I found police work less stressful than this. I found retail work less stressful than this. I found my divorce to be less stressful than this. This job that I have… is literally the only thing to ever make me feel this way so regularly.

I have one thing that makes it any better.

When I go home from work, she’s there. I see her smile, I feel her embrace… everything changes. She puts me back in my place, you might say. Puts things into perspective, just by being there, just by loving me. I am infinitely appreciative and thankful for her. I always will be. Even thinking about her, now… it calms this storm enough for me think a little more clearly.

Love is strangely powerful, I think. It is, by very definition, irrational. As rational and logical a person as I might try to be, I find that this completely illogical and irrational thing brings be the most joy. As tough as it is to let go of rationality for that, I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that that’s what it takes. I think I’m fine with that, now.

I love her infinitely… and she has had a greater impact on my life, I think, than either of us could have ever anticipated.

I want to go home.

I guess the worst part is how it came out… I’m still kind of reeling from that. I don’t really want to go into any detail, it just hurt. It hurt because of who it came from, it hurt because of how it was said. It probably hurt the worst, though, because I know it to be true. I’ve always been bad at making decisions. When I worked law enforcement, that changed. It changed a lot. It changed me into someone who couldn’t turn off a black and white world. It doesn’t do that to everyone, probably, but I wasn’t strong enough to withstand it. I have tried, since stepping down at the police department, to stray from that kind of thinking and it’s kind of spun me into a 180. It’s like I’m overcompensating. I have put myself in the habit of not making decisions or plans, and it has withdawn me from my current relationship in a way I never anticipated. I’m deeply sorry that I am how I am. Not sorry for myself, mind you… just accepting some brutally honest facts.

And so, I need to make some definite changes. I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I’m not feeling sorry for myself… just recognizing who and what I am, I guess. I feel weirdly alone. Not like, “Oh, I’m so depressed and lonely” alone… just that I don’t think anyone understands me, as emo as that sounds. I’m fucked up, and it’s kind of my own fault for making up excuses for it. The bottom line is that I’m weak and I need to man the fuck up. And man up I will. I’ll do it because I need to reclaim who I am.

And yes, I realize just how dramatic all this sounds. Deal with it.

In other news, there is a leak in my basement. And I found a dead squirrel in my back yard, which I think my dog has been chewing on… thankfully, he has very few teeth and didn’t make much progress (see: none).

Meh… I’m gonna watch TV or something.

Laters.

I think I need to sleep. It’s like I always say, or she always says… honestly, I don’t know who said it first… each hour brings us closer when we’re apart.

Nighters…

Other than that… I am still alive, and my special lady-friend has been snowed in and can’t go back to her apartment until next week… oh damn…