Creative Title Goes Here
Yeah, I suppose it’s been a while. Of course, that means updates!
First, regarding the Navy… I’m all sworn in! They have me doing SONAR for a couple of years… after that, I’m going to cross-rate into Intelligence. Sadly, I can’t qualify for Intel right off the bat (or anything requiring Top Secret Clearance, for that matter) because of what my ex-wife did to my credit. It’s important to find the silver lining, though. Being in the SONAR Group, I get to go to C-School out in San Diego for about a year, and I’ll get to have the girlfriend with me then. It all seems like it’s a long way from now, but it really isn’t… as of now, they’re telling me that my ship-date is 2010.09.01. We’re trying to push that up, though. I’m not ready. Not yet. I have entirely too much to do before I leave, consisting of but not limited to:
-Save up around $5000 to cover rent and moving expenses while I’m gone.
-Get in shape to the point where I’m not going to wash out of boot.
-Plan out the logistics for getting the girlfriend moved while I’m gone.
-Did I mention getting in shape? That’s kinda important.
-Sell anything we’re not taking with us (like my motorcycle).
And that’s just stuff directly involved with/tied to the Navy. There’s also:
-Figuring out how to justify and pay for $1300+ for some surgeries for my dog. Who is ten.
-Balancing life as it now exists, with my girlfriend now living with me.
-Curb the growing apathy for my current job… so, start showing up on time/taking it seriously.
-Reduce the amount of distractions I have… seriously, I have an Xbox 360, a Wii, a gaming PC, all with tons of games… I’ve got a ton of books I want to read, I’m starting to play Magic: The Gathering, my friends are trying to get me into disc golf… there are so many hours in the fucking day!
-Stop eating like an asshole.
-Stop drinking like an asshole.
-Stop smoking like an asshole.
-Stop being an asshole… like an asshole.
And that’s not even everything. And what sucks about it is that it’s like I’m constantly thinking about these things, all the fucking time. My mind won’t shut up about it. As a result, I barely sleep because I’m constantly either doing stuff or thinking about doing stuff. My mind is always racing, and I’m always second-guessing myself and making things worse off than they should be. The most important thing I need to do isn’t even on the list: slow the fuck down and appreciate the awesome things I DO have in life. If I don’t now, I sure as shit will when I’m not around it anymore.
I still feel guilty about joining the Navy. There’s a lot of pressure with guilt, too. Pressure to either back out, or to hammer home whatever justification I might have for doing it… but I know I have to do this. And I know that if I don’t do it, I’m going to be sick about that decision. There will be times when I will blame people whose fault it isn’t for my decisions… and I just don’t want to be that person. I want, I need to pursue this. I’m with a girl who I want to believe can handle what’s to come. If anybody can, I think it’s her. I think she’s stronger than she gives herself credit for. Besides… there’s plenty to do in San Diego, right? Me being in the Navy doesn’t have to mean her giving up anything, except for (occasionally) me. Who knows, though… maybe those breaks will serve to make us stronger. That’s a pretty lofty expectation, but I have to look at it in as positive a light as a can. It’s one of those, “I have to laugh or else I’ll cry” kind of situations.
I was talking to my best friend about this today… how we’re in similar spots in life. I was listening to blink182′s “What’s My Age Again?”, and the line came up that says “… nobody likes you when you’re 23…”. And I said to him, “Holy shit! We’re 23, now. Where nobody likes you!”. It’s only important because we were kids when this song came out. 23 seemed impossible at that point, but now here we are. And it feels like we’re standing on a fucking high-dive that we’ve climbed steadily for the last 23 years, unable to see what we were REALLY going to dive into until just now. Just when we get to the ledge of the platform. And there’s no going back… like there’s a line of people impatiently waiting behind you, waiting for THEIR turn to find out what they’re getting themselves into. You can never climb down… all that’s left to do is dive in, and I feel like I’m tip-toeing toward the ledge because I can’t decide how I wanna go down. I can’t stand this indecision. Feels like a cannonball, today.
Ugh… at this point, this all probably sounds like rambling, and that’s mostly because it probably is. This is me expelling my thoughts unceremoniously onto paper, and making no attempt to clean it up. I don’t have to… they’re mine.
And here’s the biggest difference: in the past, this always helped. I find, though, that right now there’s simply too much happening. My mind is still fucked, and my body is still trying to catch up. Guess that means it’s time to go back to work.
