Sigh
For all the progress I think I sometimes make… I sure can be a fuck-up. It’s like I habitually destroy the things I love most. Things that I think are funny or prudent just aren’t. I want so badly to just “turn over a new leaf” and pretend that I’m not such an asshole. Thing about leaves, though, is that nobody gives a flying fuck about the history of one leaf or another. When you’ve got a track record for doing something, it’s hard for anybody to believe you when you say it won’t happen again. But it won’t. It won’t happen again. I’m not the person I made myself out to be, and I’m gonna prove it.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
I would do anything, anything in the world, for her smile. Even if that means going away… If that’s what it would take to make her happy, and give her a life she actually wants and deserves, I’d do it. Times like this, I feel like that’s exactly what I should do. Hers isn’t the only life that would benefit from my absense. It would teach me not to be needy, not to be controlling… It would be a constant, painful reminder of what those kinds of antics can cost me. I don’t want to be without her, but I want more for her to be happy. It’s hard to look at the situation this way, but it’s about as calmly and rationally as I can do it. I need her to be happy… And I will do whatever I can to bring that about. That’s a promise.
I just wanna pull a Dr Manhattan right now… Go to Mars and just hang out there with my thoughts, and my little blue penis. Maybe one day I’ll learn.
