Crutches…
… I rely on them. I have a lot of faults, and I realized today that I don’t really account for them the way I should. I blame times and events in my life for things I shoulkd just be taking responsibility for and changing. I blame childhood trauma… I blame a fractured family… I blame an emotionally and mentally devastating and damaging marriage… in actuality, I realize that I just am the way I am. Nothing I’ve been through gives me any right to act any different from a “normal” person.
I guess the worst part is how it came out… I’m still kind of reeling from that. I don’t really want to go into any detail, it just hurt. It hurt because of who it came from, it hurt because of how it was said. It probably hurt the worst, though, because I know it to be true. I’ve always been bad at making decisions. When I worked law enforcement, that changed. It changed a lot. It changed me into someone who couldn’t turn off a black and white world. It doesn’t do that to everyone, probably, but I wasn’t strong enough to withstand it. I have tried, since stepping down at the police department, to stray from that kind of thinking and it’s kind of spun me into a 180. It’s like I’m overcompensating. I have put myself in the habit of not making decisions or plans, and it has withdawn me from my current relationship in a way I never anticipated. I’m deeply sorry that I am how I am. Not sorry for myself, mind you… just accepting some brutally honest facts.
And so, I need to make some definite changes. I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I’m not feeling sorry for myself… just recognizing who and what I am, I guess. I feel weirdly alone. Not like, “Oh, I’m so depressed and lonely” alone… just that I don’t think anyone understands me, as emo as that sounds. I’m fucked up, and it’s kind of my own fault for making up excuses for it. The bottom line is that I’m weak and I need to man the fuck up. And man up I will. I’ll do it because I need to reclaim who I am.
And yes, I realize just how dramatic all this sounds. Deal with it.
In other news, there is a leak in my basement. And I found a dead squirrel in my back yard, which I think my dog has been chewing on… thankfully, he has very few teeth and didn’t make much progress (see: none).
Meh… I’m gonna watch TV or something.
Laters.
