Certainty
I don’t really know what I’m thinking right now.
I know I’m doing what’s right with my future. I’m getting my (soon enough *our*, hopefully…) own place. I’m getting my bills paid on time. I’m getting my debts paid off. I’m becoming more responsible with money (I actually have a savings account now). I’m with someone who makes me feel a thousand different kinds of happy. As I look down the road, I only see these things getting better.
But she’s not like me. She can never be certain of anything, and she’s always been that way. Why should I expect any different from her? Who am I to try and change that? And what do I do when the time comes for me to say to myself, “Self, she’s not like you. She’s never going to be certain… not of her past, not of her present, and not of your future. Deal.”? I just don’t fucking know.
I feel like, generally speaking, I’ve always got answers. They’re not always good ones, probably, but they’re answers. Nothing stuns me. But when we’re together and things are amazing, and we talk about the future with these big smiles on our faces… it’s so different from now. Now, when we’re 1,299 miles apart and all she can think of is the negative aspect of disappointment in life… and she can’t help but wonder, no matter what, if I’ll disappoint her. I do my damndest, every day, to assuage those fears. And when it seems like I’m really making headway, and she’s really ok with the idea of us… it vanishes, and I have to build it all back up again.
I wish she knew, how I know, what kind of special our relationship is.
I wish she could let go of her fears, and not let this become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I wish she could understand why, when I tell her that I can and will wait for her certainty.
I love her… It’s one of precious few certainties I have.
I won’t let you down… not in the long run. Trust me.
Please.
December 20, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Your greatest ally is time. Right now, when you tell her these things, they are just words. In time, she will see them, and feel them. The old saying goes something like “don’t say it, do it.” That may be what she needs. She has heard you say it, now, you just have to show her, as well. Be patient. It may not feel like it, but this relationship is still new. Give her time. As far as changing her, and worrying about her being that way, I think you are ignoring something that you said in this post. “I’m with someone who makes me feel a thousand different kinds of happy. As I look down the road, I only see these things getting better.” This is the “Happy-Thought” that you need to hold on to. Remember that in spite of these things, she DOES make you happy. Perhaps, you too should stop worrying so much, and just try being happy for a change.