Diary of the Aruetiise

Pretty much how I’m feeling.

I just want to see her… I just want to be out of this house… I just want to live on my own terms.

I can’t.

It blows several donkey dicks concurrently.

And it sucks, because I want to express these things to her, but I can’t. It doesn’t help just telling her how much I miss her all the time, but it’s there.

I could play PC games… but my desktop is all the way over there <points to a desk that’s roughly five feet away>. I could play them on my laptop, but my mouse is all the way over there <points to a bag that’s under the desk>. I could play my 360, but it’s all the way over there <points to a house that’s 1,299 miles away>.

I’m still waiting on the fucking center caps for the wheels on my car… I ordered them on the 3rd of December and have yet to receive them. This causes me irreparable sadness each day I come home and do NOT see a box from UPS sitting on the front porch.

My room is freezing cold, so I will retreat into the relative safety of my blankets, meaning I don’t feel like typing anymore.

Night!

I don’t really know what I’m thinking right now.

I know I’m doing what’s right with my future. I’m getting my (soon enough *our*, hopefully…) own place. I’m getting my bills paid on time. I’m getting my debts paid off. I’m becoming more responsible with money (I actually have a savings account now). I’m with someone who makes me feel a thousand different kinds of happy. As I look down the road, I only see these things getting better.

But she’s not like me. She can never be certain of anything, and she’s always been that way. Why should I expect any different from her? Who am I to try and change that? And what do I do when the time comes for me to say to myself, “Self, she’s not like you. She’s never going to be certain… not of her past, not of her present, and not of your future. Deal.”? I just don’t fucking know.

I feel like, generally speaking, I’ve always got answers. They’re not always good ones, probably, but they’re answers. Nothing stuns me. But when we’re together and things are amazing, and we talk about the future with these big smiles on our faces… it’s so different from now. Now, when we’re 1,299 miles apart and all she can think of is the negative aspect of disappointment in life… and she can’t help but wonder, no matter what, if I’ll disappoint her. I do my damndest, every day, to assuage those fears. And when it seems like I’m really making headway, and she’s really ok with the idea of us… it vanishes, and I have to build it all back up again.

I wish she knew, how I know, what kind of special our relationship is.

I wish she could let go of her fears, and not let this become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I wish she could understand why, when I tell her that I can and will wait for her certainty.

I love her… It’s one of precious few certainties I have.

I won’t let you down… not in the long run. Trust me.

Please.

This sucks. She left for her parents’ place this morning… I’ll be joining her in ten days, which I think is actually the longest we’ll have been apart since we started dating. Sounds kinda lame, I know, but it’s hard. I’m gonna do my best not to let it kill me for the next couple of weeks (or so). I miss her terribly.

I want to write more, there’s actually quite a lot going on right now… but, I’m tired. Yes. Copping out. Works every time, 60% of the time.

I haz it.

I learned about Windows 7 today at a seminar. That was fun, except the part where I knew more about the OS than the persons conducting the thing. And the part where the retard from somewhere else on campus kept asking long-winded and totally unrelated questions. And the part where I went to a seminar and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Seriously, I got a “bing!” t-shirt. So, there’s that.

I went over to my parents house earlier to work on their wireless network… that part didn’t actually take long, it was the printer that took forfuckingever. I told my dad about something my ex-wife has been telling me… that my aunt (who she works with) has been trying to start drama over me, my exploits, and my girlfriend. Dad was pissed. I was pissed. Mom was pissed. God was pissed. Probably.

I also ate a half a calzone from Hungry Howie’s.

That was pretty much my day. Exciting, I know. The coming days promise to be better, though. She’s coming up tomorrow night, and this weekend we’re going to look at houses. I’m retardedly excited for these things, and incredibly thankful to have her in my life… I think I offended her earlier, and I’m kind of upset about it because I hate making her feel anything but happy. I know the truth is that I’m gonna piss her off sometimes, but I don’t have to like it. See… she asked me to proofread one of her papers, as I have happily been doing lately… I nit-picked something about the title, a title she was very much fond of, and she got upset. I immediately felt bad, but didn’t really know what to do. I raised my voice, got defensive… I really gotta stop doing that. Overall, though, I just really felt shitty about the whole thing. I just wanted to help, maybe relieve some of her stress, just do something nice for her… but I fuck up when I try to do nice things. I need to take courses, haha.

It’s all good now, it wasn’t really a big deal I guess. We’re a young/new couple, and we’re gonna miscommunicate. It’s inevitable. As time goes on, this will diminish. It’s not as if it really matters anyway… I feel as if my feelings for her are growing exponentially, and at this point she could probably shit in my Froot Loops and I’d still look at her and smile. I mean… don’t get me wrong, it’d be gross… but when you think about it, it’s pretty hilarious. Score one for her.

Ok… bed times.

Nighters.

I’m “home”. That is, I’m currently inside of the house I live at. Soon, I’ll have a place I can attach that word to and actually mean it. She will, too.

I look forward to that time… it puts a smile on my face.

For now, I’ll settle for this bedroom and the stinky Beagle who’s currently laying on my pillow. Jerk-ass. But I can’t friggin wait until May

Night.

I say stupid shit sometimes. I dig ridiculously deep holes for myself, generally because I’m stubborn and persistent and can’t just admit when I’ve fucked up and apologize. Dad always told me… the first step in getting yourself out of the hole is to stop digging. I need to heed that wisdom more often. I say things that come off as hurtful, because I have a tendency to be blunt in the heat of a discussion… I don’t think before I speak. And I know when I do it, and I immediately feel awful about it, but I’m so fucking full of myself that it’s more important to me to save face and pretend like I’m right when I know that the right thing to do is to just shut the fuck up. I’m genuinely sorry when this happens, and it’s how I feel right now.

I hurt people who I love, and that’s not cool.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Fuck me… last night was a bad idea. I went over to my best friend’s house… we drank/smoked well into the night. As much fun as that was, I have a four-hour drive ahead of me once I get out of work tonight… I’m driving to Chicago to see my girlfriend.

I miss her.

The drive there is always worth it, no matter how fatigued I might be when I make it. We’re going to her friend’s house for “game night”, whatever that entails… I don’t really care. I just want to see her. I will be pleasant and such at this new place, but it’s not why I drive four hours on shitty highways with shittier visibility. It would be pretty dickish of me to demand all of her time, it’s just that I know after next weekend it’s gonna be a while before I get to see her, and even longer before I get any kind of alone-time with her, so I was hoping we could get some of that in this weekend. She’s extremely busy with school this weekend, and with the “game night” thing, chances of that seem slim.

Next weekend, it might actually end up being Thursday before I can see her… as opposed to a day earlier. Reason being, she wants to get tanked with a group of friends from school. Internally, I’m always so weird about the idea of her going out and getting drunk without me. I trust her explicitly, but that’s about it; I don’t trust another human being on Earth like I trust her. Meaning I don’t trust the asshole guys who might hit on her, nor do I trust anyone’s reaction-speed who’s had too much to drink. So, it especially sucks that that’s the situation Wednesday is being given up for. I really can’t be too pissed… I work on Wednesday anyway. One of those “principal of the thing” situations, I guess. I know that if I had the choice between “get drunk with friends” or “see her a day earlier (especially considering the long break to come)”, I’d pick the latter every time. But, I see my friends more often than she sees hers. So, it’s a different situation I guess.

Either way… I’ll be happy to just see her face. All these stupid things I think of during the weeks when we’re apart seem to melt away the moment I see her. It’s amazing, the power she has over me in that regard. I just wish she was here, now. It’s the same wish I always have, and it never seems to get fulfilled soon enough.

I’m tired, and feel like I’m being an asshole. I should probably stop digging now.

Time for work…

I am absolutely, positively, unconditionally, head-over-heels in love with her.

I was thinking earlier about how much her smile means to me. How I grin just thinking about it, and how knowledge of its existance has the power to calm me down when I’m feeling like I’m about to put a stapler through someone’s forehead. She means everything to me, and I consider myself beyond lucky for having her in my life.

I would do anything for her.

There are so many options in life. I’ve learned, though, that as I get older I have fewer and fewer of them. It’s like… when you’re 18, fresh outta high school, you could do anything you wanted. Go to college… go to work… enlist… live at home and stay unemployed… etc. More and more, though, it’s like once you graduate there this HUGE pressure which states that if you don’t immediately go to college and get a degree, you fucking suck. That’s kinda the boat I’m in, and it kinda sucks. Nobody wants to hire me because I’m lacking in college education. I do get tuition reimbursement from my current job, but there’s two immense problems here:

-The very concept of reimbursement is flawed: I’ve got to have the money before I can spend it for them to pay me back.
-Working a full-time job, I can only take one or two classes per semester. A BS will take me probably 12 years to accomplish. Fucking sweet.

So, I’m in this job with nowhere else to go. I’m begging them to get me some certifications, which should help my situation. At this point, all I can think to do is keep collecting certifications from this job until someone else will hire me.

There is, of course, another alternative…

… I could always enlist. If I were to do it, I’d join the Navy. I took a practice ASVAB yesterday…  that’s a basic entrance/aptitude test you’ve got to take before enlisting in any branch of the military… and I scored amazingly well on it. My mechanical skills and higher mathematics could use some work, but aside from that I did very well. There are a lot of perks and benefits to joining, which I’m not going to delve into here for fear of sounding like a recruiter, and they’re numerous enough for it to be truly tempting. Probably the biggest benefit is that it’ll get me outta here, and into something new. I think I’m a creature of change, I need new and different shit to keep me entertained/challenged. The downside, of course, is that it’s going to take me away from her.

I realize it’s not healthy to peg so much on one person’s existence, and that’s not only what this is. Part of it is that I am really starting to feel things coming together. I’m getting my financial shit handled, I’m not broke anymore, ever. As a happy result, I can afford to live somewhere other than my friend/co-worker’s spare bedroom. My beloved will be moving up here with me in a few months, into a house we hope to rent. I can finally look just a few months down the road, and feel truly happy about what I see. And I think if I enlisted now, it’d throw all of that into disarray. We’d figure something else out, sure. Assuming she’d stay with me, she’d (hopefully) move to wherever I get stationed, we’d have a place to live, money for food, blah blah blah… everything we need. Aside from the climate change, things would mostly stay the same save for one huge difference: I’d be gone. A lot. I don’t know that I could do that to her, to us. Once again, it’s got me feeling stuck.

Part of me thinks I should just forget about it. I mean, Navy careers can really work for some people. I see my brother, sisters, their spouses having had great careers in and as a result of the Navy… but, they’ve all been there for years. There’s a lot of bullshit between basic and where they are now. I think if I was single, had no friends, had no job, I might just do it. Thankfully, none of these things are factors. And that’s not me saying the the military is a last resort, meant only for losers. Not by a long-shot. I’m saying that I have someone who I really, truly care about here that I really don’t want to put through the lifestyle of being a military girlfriend/spouse/wife/whatever… it’s not fair. If she had known, going into this, that the Navy was something I wanted and still chose to get involved with me it might make a little more sense, but as that’s not the case, no dice.

Blah… too many thoughts at once.

In a few months, I’m gonna be in a house with someone I love very much. It’s gonna be tits, and I am choosing to just shut the hell up and be happy about it.